Teaching Marui
by cathyfang1533
Summary: Marui has discovered that his genius skills aren't exactly useful when it comes to dealing with rabid fan girls…especially this one. So our favorite red-head has enlisted the help of a certain silver haired trickster. What could possibly go wrong?
1. Chapter 1 : The Request

Summary- Marui has discovered that his genius skills aren't exactly useful when it comes to dealing with rabid fan girls…especially this one. So our favorite red-head has enlisted the help of a certain silver haired trickster. What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

It was another somewhat normal tennis practice at Rikkaidai, Sanada was slapping people, Yukimura was smiling, Renji was scribbling data in his notebook, Yagyuu and Jackal were trying to find their doubles partners and Kirihara was crushing the dreams of others. All in all, a perfectly somewhat normal day. It would've been a normal day if Marui and Niou were there causing mayhem, but their absence has made most of the regulars uneasy and suspicious; which was why Jackal and Yagyuu were sent to find them…at all costs. The gentleman and the "wall" were wondering the halls of the school, in search of their teammates when they suddenly heard voices coming from the nearby history classroom.

"Is there a reason you dragged me here fatty?" Niou's drawl floated through the cracked door as Yagyuu and Jackal edged closer, curious as to what was happening.

"Ano, I have a favor to ask you Niou," then a long pause fell on them, "and I'm not a fatty!" The red-head added.

"Whatever you say, fatty, just don't eat me please, I'm too smexy to die"

"….since when were you smexy?"

"I was just born smexy, hell, I'm even more smexy than Yagyuu!" Yagyuu suppressed the urge to barge in and beat up Niou for saying that, after all, he had a reputation to protect. Instead, he settled for burning Niou's favorite stuffed cat for revenge…maybe he's been around Niou for too long.

"Whatever, anyways, I need your help."

"What are you failing now? Math? "

"Psh, as if a tensai like me would fail at math!"

"You giggled when the teacher said asymptote"

"It sounded like ass! How can you not giggle?"

"…I can't believe you passed second year"

"Whatever, I need your trickster skills." There was a slight pause.

"I'm listening."

"You see, I need you to teach me how to be a jerk."

"I'm flattered that a tensai like you would ask for the humble Masaharu's help."

"I know right? I can't believe that my tensai skills don't help me avoid rabid fan girls!"

"That was sarcasm by the way." Marui ignored Niou and continued rambling about his fan girl problems.

"It's this one girl, Nami, she won't leave me alone!"

"Oh no, a rabid fan girl, whatever shall we do?"

"I know right? Ugh, that's why I need your help Niou!"

"Again, that was sarcasm." Yagyuu opened the classroom door and cleared his throat, startling Marui. Niou just stood there with a knowing smirk on his lips.

"Niou-kun, Marui-kun, Yukimura-kun will not be happy to find out that two of his regulars skipped practice to talk about _girls_." Yagyuu said with measured indifference.

"Shit, I forgot we had practice today!" Marui shouted before bolting out of the classroom, Jackal sighed before following the red-head at a more…normal speed. Niou simply stood there, staring at Yagyuu, while still sporting his smirk.

"Niou-kun." The smirk widened.

"Hiro-chan."

"…Niou-kun."

"Hiro-chan."

"We should get back to practice, Niou-kun."

"You want to help Marui with his fan girl problem."

"This is neither the time nor the place to discuss this. In case you haven't forgotten, the Nationals are in a few weeks and Yukimura-kun will be damned if he doesn't get his third consecutive win," Yagyuu warned before heading back to practice.  
"You _so _want in on this, Hiro-chan, don't even deny it." Niou said as he chased after his doubles partner.

* * *

**AN: Review for Hiro-chan :D**


	2. Chapter 2 : Observations

"Niou-kun what are you doing?"

"Shush Yagyuu, I'm observing."

"Yes, but what are you observing?"

"The rabid-fan chick."

"And what information did you gather?"

"Blonde hair; hazel eyes; five foot three; third-year; firm but supple butt; has a boxer fetish…damn Marui's lucky."

"You got all of that from watching her?"

"No I broke into her locker and stole her diary." Yagyuu decided to ignore that part. Instead, he chose to bluntly comment on Niou's current appearance.

"Is the army paint and binoculars really necessary Niou-kun?"

"I'm a method worker. Shit target approaching, see ya later Hiro-chan."

"Okay, but please do remember that you are in the cafeteria Niou-kun!" Yagyuu called out as he watched Niou army crawl away.

"He certainly is taking this very seriously." Yukimura commented as he mysteriously materialized behind Yagyuu.

"Indeed he is Yukimura-kun." Yagyuu said while pushing up his glasses.

"Why do I have a feeling that this won't end well?" Yukimura cheerfully stated.

* * *

"Omigosh Marui-senpai! Hi, I haven't seen you in like forever!" Marui had just enough time to turn around before the blond terror known as Nami hug-tackled him to the ground.

"Hi uh, Nami, we just had class together." Marui said as Nami pinned him beneath her.

"I know, but it feels like I haven't seen you in forever!" Nami whined as Marui desperately tried to get out of her vice-grip. Who knew such a tiny girl could have such sheer strength? He eventually gave up and settled on glaring at Nami.

"It's been two minutes and could you please get off? People are starting to stare."

"Okay, but only if you agree to go on a date with me."

"Will you get off if I go on a date with you?" Marui said exasperated, it was times like these where he really needed his cakes.

"Yes." Nami chirped happily as she quickly rolled off of the self proclaimed tensai. Marui stood up quick and pretty much sprinted out of the classroom.

"Hey wait, what about our date?!"

"Yeah about that, I have to help Jackal wash his hair!" Marui shouted over his shoulder.

"But Jackal doesn't have any hair! Wait!" Nami screamed, but Marui was already halfway across the school by then.

* * *

Marui made it to practice in record time. He quickly ran into the changing room and started to barricade the door. He was piling on another bench when the door was kick open by none other than Sanada.

"What do you think you are doing Marui?" The Vice-Captain said while giving Marui his twenty-laps-around-the-court-glare.

"Preparing for war!" Marui said while saluting Sanada.

"Now, now Sanada, don't be too hard on the boy." Yukimura said as he wiggled his way past the failed barrier and into the locker room.

"Yeah fukubuchou, I heard Marui-senpai has some fan-girl problems." Kirihara taunted as he walked in.

"How did you find out sea-weed head?"

"My hair is naturally like this, I can't help it! And Niou-senpai told me." Kirihara added as an afterthought.

"Speaking of Niou where is he?" Sanada inquired.

"I don't know. Yagyuu, do you know?" Yukimura asked the Gentleman.

"He is...observing." Yagyuu offered before walking outside to start his warm-up laps.

"Well wherever he is, he's dead when I get my hands on him." Marui said while emitting an evil red aura that clashed horrible with his hair.

* * *

Somewhere among the trees, Niou started sneezing rapidly, snapping him out of his peaceful nap.

"Some hot chick must be talking about me." Niou said while rubbing his nose before going back to his nap.

* * *

**AN: Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in a while. I honestly didn't think I would get 84 views! I'll try to update more as summer comes along. But please leave a review, I love hearing your opinions! :D**

**LainellaFay: Yes Niou does have a favorite stuffed cat and I changed chapter one. Thank for pointing that out.**


	3. Chapter 3: First Impressions

**AN: So I felt guilty about not writing for such a long time so here is an extra long chapter to make up for that. Enjoy the third installment of Teaching Marui.**

* * *

"Alright Marui, today marks the first day of your training."

"Niou-kun, how did you manage to procure a World War II fighter pilot uniform?"

"That's enough lip out of you maggot!" Yagyuu just sighed as he watched Niou pace back and forth. The three Rikkaidai members were enjoying a rare day off. Niou had managed to rope Yagyuu into helping him with Marui's training. Yagyuu was currently sitting on the sofa in Marui's living room, "helping" Niou teach Marui. Had he been less of a gentleman, he would've walked out as soon as he saw Niou's getup. Honestly, where does he get these things? On second thought, Yagyuu didn't think he really wanted to know. Knowing Niou, it probably involved paint, a harness, and doing something that was borderline illegal.

"Now as I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted," Niou continued, but not before glaring at Yagyuu, "today is the first day of your training, lard-butt."

"I am not fat!" The red-head protested loudly next to Yagyuu. The Gentleman pinched the bridge of his nose in the hopes of warding off his oncoming headache. Why he was even involved in this mess, he'll never know. It's not like he could contribute to Niou's How to be a Jerk Lessons. Niou was a natural at being an asshole. Was it just because Niou wanted to torture him? No, despite popular beliefs, Niou wasn't (luckily) a very sadistic person. All of his pranks and methods were harmless (physically, Yagyuu didn't know about emotionally). While the stoic purple haired teen was attempting to find a deeper meaning in Niou's plan, Marui was clinging to every word the master-jerk said.

"One of the key points in being a jerk is the first impression, especially when you're dealing with girls. You don't want to come off as a 'bad boy' because girls love that stuff. Instead, you want to be the biggest jerk you can be. Embrace your inner bully." Niou started as he paced the length of Marui's living room.

"Right, embrace my inner bully," agreed Marui.

"The good thing is, you already have one of the main characteristics of a bully. You're undoubtedly fat." Niou smirked as the Tensai sputtered indignantly at the off-handed remark.

"You are getting a bit chubby, Marui-kun, perhaps you should cut back on the cakes?" Yagyuu contributed.

"Don't worry, in this case, it's a good thing. Your fatness will be of use." Niou reassured Marui.

"Shut up." Marui said - more like whined at the doubles pair. The duo was sporting identical smirks. Although Yagyuu would never ever admit this to Niou's face, he was actually starting to enjoy himself.

"All jokes aside, tell me how you and Nami first met." Niou said in a serious tone.

"Right well it was the second month of school and…" (Cue special flashback music)

* * *

"Hey Bunta, did you finish that math project?" Jackal asked his partner.

"Shit, we had a project?" Jackal sweat dropped at the red head's forgetfulness.

"Yeah, sensei assigned it two weeks ago."

"When's it due?" Marui asked as the pair exited their history class.

"Tomorrow" Jackal said as the duo walked towards their next class.

"Think I could get my fan girls to do it for me?"

"Bunta!" Jackal angrily shouted.

"I'm just kidding!" Marui said as he waved his hands in front of his chest.

"Just do the project, it's pretty easy." Jackal warned before heading off to his gym class.

"Easy my ass," Marui muttered as he walked into his chemistry class.

"Settle down class," the sensei droned, "today, we will have a new student joining us." Said student practically bounced into the classroom.

"Please introduce yourself." The bubbly girl started to rant at an inhuman speed.

"Hi, my name is Nami. I have two brothers. My favorite color is neon yellow. I have three dogs and a parakeet; all of them are named Billy. I speak four languages, German, French, Japanese and Mandarin. I want to be a fashion model/princess/ninja/pirate/pro tennis player when I grow up. I was born with nine toes so I have to glue my left pinky toe on every morning. I lo-"

"I think that is enough Nami, thank you," interrupted the sensei, "please go sit by Marui, Marui raise your hand so that Nami knows who you are." Marui raised his hand and watched as Nami literally skipped towards him.

"Hello Marui-kun!"

"Hi?" Marui offered as Nami plopped down onto the seat next to him.

"You're so cute!" Nami squealed.

"Thank you?" Marui replied as Nami broke down into a fit of giggles.

"I like you!" Nami admitted rather loudly before turning around to face the blackboard.

* * *

"And that was how it all began." Marui said as he finished his story.

"Really? That's not what her diary said." Niou said as he pulled a blinding neon yellow notebook from his pants. Yagyuu raised an eyebrow at Niou's choice of hiding place, but decided not to comment. Niou flipped to the first page of the notebook, cleared his throat and began to read the first entry. (Cue different/not-really-a-flashback music)

* * *

Dear Diary,

Today was my first day at my new school, Rikkaidai High. Nothing special happened except I met this total hottie in Chem class. He was just sitting there, the sun-light hitting his blood-red locks, shirt un-tucked and the first two buttons unbuttoned. His tie was loosened and his blazer was left unbuttoned, giving him a tousled look. A small smirk appeared on his lips when he saw me walking towards him. His lavender eyes stared straight into my soul, I could feel myself blushing as I melted under his intense stare.

"H-h-hi," I stuttered as I approached him.

"Good morning," he replied in a smooth silky voice. The sound of his voice alone caused me to trip on my stool. Luckily, I caught myself before I hit the ground and sat gracefully onto the stool. He looked over and smiled at me, I felt my breath catch in my throat as his perfect features were lit up by his blinding smile.

"You're cute, I like you." He leaned in and whispered to me before turning to face the blackboard. I felt faint as I smelled the apple gum on his breath.

* * *

"I'm not going to read the rest as I am nearing my gag capacity." Niou closed the notebook with a snap and stared at the horrified Marui. Niou smirked as he watched Marui slowly recover from the initial shock. _Three, two, one_ Niou thought.

"Tousled look? I was just running late and silky smooth voice?!" Niou stood there and smirked as he watched Marui freak out. Even Yagyuu was looking slightly amused.

"So gentlemen, what have we learned here today?" Niou asked.

"Never befriend silver-haired pranksters because they will force you into situations like this?" Yagyuu answered sarcastically.

"No and you know you love me Yagyuu. What we learned today is that first impressions are very important." Niou said with his trademark smirk.

"Right, so how do we fix this?" Marui asked desperately from his seat on the couch.

"Luckily for you, you have the two greatest jerks as your coaches."

"Kindly leave me out of this Niou-kun."

"But Hiro-channnnnnnn," Niou whined, "you're the biggest jackass I know."

"…Niou-kun do you not own a mirror?"

"Guys, please stop arguing and tell me how to fix this," the red head pleaded.

"Of course, onward men, tomorrow we march into battle. This is a war we cannot lose!" Niou shouted as he marched around the living room. Yagyuu sighed as he felt his headache turn into a full blown migraine.

* * *

**LainellaFay: Glad to hear that it made you laugh. :D**


	4. Chapter 4: Insults Galore

**AN: I feel like I'm on a writing spree, this'll be my third chapter today! Anyway, I'll try to get to the fun part in this chapter. And can I say how awesome it is that this story hit over 200 views? Keep reading guys…keep reading…**

* * *

Kirihara held a great deal of respect for his senpais. They trained with him, tutored him, and treated him as the baby of the group. However right now, Kirihara absolutely hated his senpais. Well not all of them, just these two. Kirihara scowled as he watched his "respected" senpais laugh their asses off.

"This is not funny Marui-senpai, Niou-senpai!" Kirihara said through clenched teeth.

"Like hell it's not, oh my god it's little-bo-seaweed-head!" Niou managed to gasp out between his fits of laughter.

"Hey Kirihara-chan, are you looking for some lost sheep?" Marui added his face red from laughter.

"Remind me why Kirihara-kun has to wear that dress again?" Yagyuu asked calmly from his seat on the grass. _Finally_, Kirihara thought, _a voice of reason._ Kirihara quickly initiated his puppy dog eyes and directed them at Yagyuu in the hope of eliciting pity from his senpai. The Gentleman's face remained impassive as he suffered the entirety of Kirihara's puppy dog eyes.

"Because Marui needs to practice being an asshole, and I had this dress lying around" answered Niou. Said dress was a disgusting puke green with scratchy pink lace around the collar and a bright pink sash in the middle tied into the shape of a bow. Niou also tried to force Kirihara into a pair of pink pumps, but he gave up after chasing Kirihara around Marui's backyard for half an hour.

"I see, well then you look very nice Kirihara-chan," Yagyuu smoothly replied. Kirihara growled at the compliment before settling on the grass with a very prominent pout on his face.

"You were the one who wanted in on this fan-girl business." Niou stated as he picked himself off of the ground.

"I said I wanted to help, not cross-dress!" Kirihara argued.

"And you are helping, by wearing the dress."

"You're a jackass, Niou-senpai."

"I know, now shall we get started before Kirihara starts menstruating?" Niou said as he helped Marui off of the ground.

"Okay, Marui I want you to pretend that Kirihara is Nami. Greet her normally." The Trickster continued as he placed Marui in front of Kirihara.

"Heeeyyyy Nami ahhhh no get off of me, I'm not going to go a date with you!" Marui yelled before sprinting off into the opposite direction.

"Nice going seaweed-head, you scared him off with your ugliness." Niou sighed as he watched the red head run around the yard.

"…Yagyuu-senpai do I make a really ugly girl?"

"No Kirihara-chan, I think that's just how he greets Nami."

"Oh…she sounds scary."

"Oi fatso get back here!" Niou shouted when he saw Marui attempting to hop over the fence. Yagyuu sighed as he watched Niou tackle Marui off of the fence and drag the flailing red head back to Kirihara.

"Try that again, but be a lot more insensitive this time." Niou commanded as he placed Marui in front of Kirihara again.

"Hey Nami, you're looking fat today."

"More!" Niou barked.

"Nami, you're looking absolutely disgusting today."

"More!"

"Nami! Your hair is gross, I hate that shirt, and are you growing a mustache?"

"More!" Niou insisted.

"I F****** HATE YOU AND YOUR HAIR, IT LOOKS LIKE A F****** ELEPHANT TOOK A S*** ON YOUR HEAD. YOUR EYES ARE THE COLOR OF PUKE AND YOU SMELL REALLY NICE, ALMOST LIKE A TYPE OF FLOWER, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"

"Okay, maybe a bit less." Niou insisted as Marui panted over the shaking form of Kirihara.

"Do you really think that Marui-senpai?" Kirihara whimpered tearfully.

"That was uh..very creative, Marui-kun." Yagyuu commented as he sweat dropped at Kirihara's reaction.

"Jeez, I'm sorry Kirihara, I didn't mean all of that…only the part about your eyes." Marui apologized while smirking in a very Niou-like way.

"Atta-boy, kick'em when they're down," Niou praised enthusiastically; Yagyuu merely face-palmed at the ridiculousness of the whole thing.

* * *

**LainellaFay: Nami is indeed down-right crazy and I do enjoy writing about Niou. **


	5. Chapter 5 : Look the Part

Yagyuu took pride in his ability to remain logical, even in the most absurd situations. It was a skill he had acquired and honed during his time on the golf team. Unfortunately, nothing is logical when it comes to Niou.

"Niou-kun, how did you get into my house?" Yagyuu wasn't stupid enough to give someone nicknamed The Trickster a key to his house.

"I used your door." Niou replied easily, sitting on Yagyuu's desk chair.

"I didn't give you a key Niou-kun and its 7 am on a Saturday, so how did you get in?" Yagyuu calmly asked while he added breaking and entering onto his 'What Niou is Capable of List'.

"How I got in isn't important, what's important is that we're going to the mall today!" Niou squealed – I mean manly yelled out.

"Since when did you like going to the mall?" Niou usually had to be tied up, gagged and dragged to the mall.

"Since we're shopping for Marui," Niou said while smiling all evil-like. Yagyuu just rubbed his temples and wondered if it was too early to get a headache.

* * *

"Niou, did you walk here?" Marui asked as he took in Niou's current ensemble.

"Yes I did," was the immediate reply.

"How did you manage not to get beat up?" Marui wondered out loud. The silver headed teen was wearing a sleeve-less t-shirt paired with jeans that sagged down to his knees, a pair of skater shoes finished off the outfit along with a giant gold dollar sign necklace. In short, Niou looked like a total asshole.

"I have connections," Niou whispered mysteriously before pulling Marui towards the nearest shop. Yagyuu followed the pair at a more sensible pace…into Hot Topic. _Sweet Yukimura_, Yagyuu thought, _Niou's finally lost it. _But the Gentleman maintained his stoic face as he watched Niou bury the red head in layers of multicolored skinny jeans and printed t-shirts.

"Niou, why are we doing this again?" Asked the moving rainbow clothes pile formerly known as Marui.

"Because not only do you need to act the part, but you also need to look the part." Niou explained as he added a purple spiked collar onto the clothes pile.

"We have school uniforms" Marui reminded Niou. Marui looked hopeful as Niou paused in his frenzy of clothes chucking.

"So? You can just wear them underneath your uniform." Marui and Yagyuu anime fell while Niou turned back to the clothes rack, satisfied with his ingenious idea.

"I think that should be enough clothes, go try those on Marui." Niou said as he shooed the red head into one of the changing rooms.

"Niou, I don't think any of these clothes are really my style." Marui shouted from inside the changing room.

"Trust me, have I ever steered you wrong?"

"Yes, plenty of times."

"Name one time!" Niou yelled back, genuinely affronted. How dare that cake-eating, gluttonous, walking lint roller question the great Masaharu's fashion skills?

"Well there was the time you tried to convince me to bleach my hair."

"I didn't tell you to go home and pour detergent all over your head."

"What about the time you tricked me into giving Akaya sugar?"

"Now that was funny."

"No it wasn't, we had to peel Akaya off of the ceiling! Sanada told me to run until my legs fell off."

"Don't forget the time you sicked Jirou onto Marui." Yagyuu added helpfully.

"You can't blame that one on me. Jirou was the one that actually went through with it."

"I had nightmares for weeks because of that! He looked ready to kiss me when you flung him at me!" Marui said as he exited the dressing room wearing pink skinny jeans, skater shoes, a Pikachu shirt, and the purple spiked collar. "And there's no way in hell I am wearing this to school or out in public."

"I think purple suits you Marui-kun." Yagyuu supplied while his partner was busy laughing his ass off.

"You actually put that on!" Niou stammered as he pointed to the collar. Marui scowled at the chuckling teen before rapidly retreating back into the fitting room.

"Like I said, I'm not wearing this to school!" Marui shouted defiantly as he finished zipping up his jacket.

"Fine, then don't expect me to help you with Nami. Plus that outfit's crucial for phase two of the plan." Niou warned. Marui paused as he considered his options. Option one – wear the embarrassing outfit, but get rid of Nami. Option two – don't wear the outfit, lose Niou's help and somehow get tricked by Niou into marrying Nami. Option three – run out of the store without the outfit and lead a life of luxury living as a hermit. _Option three is looking pretty good right now,_ Marui thought as he held up the dog collar. Niou's voice floated through the fitting room door, breaking Marui's train of thought. "At least buy the collar!"

"Niou-kun, I don't think that collar is allowed in school."

"No problem, we'll just stop by the local pet shop and buy him a plain collar instead." Replied Niou, nonchalantly.

"I am not a DOG!" Marui pushed open the door with such force that it slammed into the wall, leaving a sizable mark.

"Marui-kun, we are very familiar with the fact that you are not a dog." Yagyuu commented calmly as they ran from the store, chased by the manager.

"COME BACK HERE YOU BRATS! HOW DARE YOU DESTROY MY STORE?" The middle-aged, balding store manager roared as he chased the trio around the mall. You would think the manager for Hot Topic would be less well…old and more punkish. In truth, store manager Bill was a bit of a rebel in his younger age, going by the name of McPunkellson, but as he got older, he started to lose that rebellious edge. He became a salesman and quickly climbed the corporate ladder. But his divorce from his high school sweetheart - Bloody Vanessa, had made him into the bitter man his is today-

"Why the f*** are you telling us your life story?!" Marui shouted as he interrupted Bill's monologue.

"Don't stop running Marui-kun!"

"Stop asking the man questions and run you self-proclaimed baka!"

"Give back the collar you stole!" Bill yelled as he lunged towards the red head.

"What collar?" Marui managed to ask before getting crushed by Bill's immense weight.

"Shit Yagyuu, he killed Marui-neko!" Niou panicked as he bemoaned the loss of his Marui-neko.

"I'm not a cat either," was the muffled response from the now flattened Marui.

"I'll let you kids off with a warning, but the next time you try to steal something, know that you will have to face McPunk – I mean Bill." Bill panted as he rolled off of Marui, purple spiked-collar in hand.

"Well I think that was a rather productive day." Niou happily chirped as he dusted himself off.

"Speak for yourself!" Marui growled as he attempted to tackle the Trickster. Niou simply side-stepped the flying red streak and watched as Marui face-planted onto the linoleum floor. Yagyuu allowed himself a small smirk as he watched Marui chase Niou around the mall. Yup, with Niou, nothing is ever logical. Perhaps that was why Yagyuu always end up enjoying whatever insane situation Niou manages to rope him into.

"Get back here you bleach-head!"

"Catch me if you can fatty!" Oh Yagyuu was definitely starting to enjoy himself.

* * *

**AN: Yes it's finally summer! :D **

**LainellaFay & KyokoYukimi: Thanks for the feedback guys and I never expected Kirihara in drag to bring in so many views. The story got over 140 views the day chapter 4 was posted. And yes, poor Kirihara-chan, too bad I'm not finished with torturing him. }:)**


	6. Chapter 6: The Passing of the Baton

"Niou-kun."  
"Hiro-chan."

"Niou-kun."

"Yes Hiro-chan."

"Is that blood all over you?"

"Don't worry, it's not mine!" Yagyuu raised an eyebrow at Niou's response. By now Yagyuu was very familiar with Niou's antics, having suffered through them when he first joined the tennis team, but Niou wouldn't kill anyone…right?

"Hiro-chan stop staring, you're making me blush! Does this color make me look fat?" The blood-soaked Niou squealed as he batted his eyelashes.

"Whose blood is it Niou-kun?" Yagyuu calmly asked while planning out his path of escape should Niou turn out to be a murderer.

"It's pig's blood." Marui answered as he strolled over to the duo.

"Very well then, let me rephrase my question: Niou-kun why are you covered in pig's blood?" Yagyuu inquired as he visibly relaxed.

"We had to dissect a pig in Biology, but I felt bad for the pig so I took evasive measures and got blood all over me." Niou said casually.

"He threw the pig out the window while screaming: 'Be free Ms. Piggy!' Sensei gave him a week's detention…and he had to dissect a cat instead." Marui explained.

"I had to kill Marui-neko the Second!" Niou wailed as he bemoaned the loss of Marui-neko the Second.

"You named that cat after me?!" Niou ignored the red-head, choosing instead to curl up in a fetal position on the ground and continued his Virgil for Marui-neko the Second.

"Was that what you wanted to tell me Niou-kun?" At the mention of his name, Niou quickly snapped out of his Marui-neko-the-Second-induced trance and grabbed Yagyuu by the shoulders.

"No, since I have detention, you're going to take over Marui's training. I'm passing you the baton/torch/reins Yagyuu, make me proud. Listen carefully, I don't have much time left, I need you to help Marui fulfill his dream of being fangirl-free. Can you do that for me?" Niou croaked out as he clung to Yagyuu with all his might.

"Niou-kun you're not dying, you just have detention and I refuse to help you with your request." Yagyuu firmly stated as he peeled Niou off of him. The blood had gotten all over Yagyuu's school uniform and the Gentleman was not pleased.

"Yagyuu you gotta help me, you saw what Niou tried to force me into at the mall the other day. Please Yagyuu, pppppllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssss seeeeeeeee!"

"Marui-kun, why don't you just tell Nami-san that you're not interested?" Yagyuu was really regretting coming to school today. Not only did he forget his gym clothes, but he's also covered in blood and being tasked with the mission of teaching Marui. This was worse than the time Niou tried to convince him to become a drag queen and seduce the gym teacher.

"I did, but she just hugged me tighter and started describing our wedding."

"Hiro-chan, will you take Marui-chan as your lawfully wedded student?" Niou said, uncharacteristically serious.

"No" was the curt reply.

"Protégée?"

"No."

"Apprentice?"

"No."

"Intern!"

"No."

"…Hiro-chan do you actually want Marui to be your wife?"

"Why am I the girl?" Marui whined.

"No."

"Phew you had me worried there buddy, so I can trust to get rid of Marui's little problem?"

"…No."

"I tried being nice Hiro-chan, but if you don't teach Marui, I'm going to show that picture I took of you." Niou threatened.

"…"

"I'm sure the guys on the team will love it!"

"…fine" Yagyuu reluctantly agreed as he mentally made a note to raid Niou's locker for that picture. The Gentleman grimaced as he watched Marui and Niou do their victory dance. Yagyuu really really _really _didn't want to do this, but he had to…for the photo and maybe he can get some personal amusement out of it or blackmail, whichever one comes first. And he has got to stop hanging out with Niou. Also he needed to pick up some bleach to get the blood stains out of his shirt. _Yup shouldn't have come to school today._

* * *

**AN: Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, but life and stuff...yeah. Anyway, Teaching Marui has over 500 hits now and I want to thank all the readers out there! Thank you and you and you and you and you...not you, I don't like ****_you _****yeah you know who you are. Summer's made me crazy guys... .) look cyclops smiley! Please Rate and Review also don't poke hobos. - Important life lesson here kids!**

**LainellaFay: I thought that Bill the Store Manager deserved some attention so why not write his life story? :D Now it's Yagyuu turn to torture Marui...hehehehehehe }:)**

**Yuu: Thanks for the support! :D**


	7. Chapter 7 : It's A Love Story

Nami happily hummed to herself as she skipped her way home. It had been a very productive day, she stared at Marui, did math problems, drooled over Marui, played soccer, giggled at Marui, learned Chemistry, tackled Marui , ate lunch, and now she was following her beloved Marui back to his house where she will stand outside for hours and stare longingly at his bedroom window. Nami watched Marui's red hair bob up and down through the crowd. _Even the back of his head is hot, how is that even possible?_ She fanned herself with a notebook, feeling her face flush as she continued to follow her red-haired Adonis. _Maybe today will finally be the day Marui admits that he is in love with me! _Nami thought excitedly, already planning out the romantic scene in her head.

* * *

**Inside Nami's Head**

Marui turned suddenly and locked eyes with the object of his desire. His lavender eyes gleamed greedily as he drank in her curvaceous form, golden locks, and pouty lips.

"Nami-chan," Marui's smooth voice washed over Nami like good body wash…or water or something of that sort. He was coming closer now, walking at an almost leisurely pace. He dropped onto one knee and pulled out a 14 karat diamond ring (cause fourteen year olds can afford a diamond ring…), stared deep into her eyes and said: "Nami-chan, I'm in love with you; you are the air that I breathe, the spaghetti to my meatballs, the cake to my Marui, the sodium to whatever the hell you pair sodium with, the Angelina to my Brad Pitt. You are all I think about every single day and you are more important to me than tennis, cake, and Jackal. I love you more than all the candy in the world. Will you marry me?"

"Yes! Yes! A thousand bajillion times yes!" Nami shrieked while the crowd that had gathered around them applauded loudly.

"You have made me the happiest man in the world." Marui tearfully said as he gathered his fiancée into his arms and mounted a stallion/unicorn/dragon/Pegasus that flew them to a villa in Italy where Marui put his thing into Nami's thing, and then wiggled around a bit before the two of them were a sweaty and tired heap. In case you were wondering, Marui put his finger into Nami's Chinese Finger Trap, duh. Oh and they also screwed…a lot…like an insane amount…yeah…this is getting awkward. Shall we get out of Nami's head before it escalates anymore and the author is forced to change the rating?

* * *

Marui picked up his pace when he saw a familiar blonde head. He started to jog briskly when he heard Nami's voice pierce through the air.

"Marui-kun" the banshee shouted, chasing after the now sprinting red-head, "wait!"

"Like hell!"

"Wait! Don't run away from our love! Embrace it! I accept your Marriage Proposal!" Marui panted as he sprinted down the winding road, still a long three blocks from his house. Nami followed closely, she already knew the route by heart, having visited Marui's home plenty of times…at night when Marui was asleep...and maybe she technically was breaking and entering, but locks should not stand in the way of true love! Anyway, our favorite red-head somehow manages to reach his home safely despite Nami's multiple attempts at Marui's life. First she tried to pounce onto him, when that ended in her face-planting/sliding onto the concrete sidewalk; she tried to claw at him instead. Finally, growing desperate, Nami jumped onto a passing motorcycle and tried to get the owner to crash into Marui.

After Marui finished barricading his door with the living room furniture, he scrambled for the phone and called for help. He counted four long rings before the person picked up the phone.

"Hello, this is the Yagyuu residence, Hiroshi speaking, how may I help you?"

"Yagyuu, you have to help me!" Marui frantically paced around his now furniture-less living room. Yagyuu winced and held the phone a bit further when Marui practically screamed his request.

"Is this pertaining to Nami-san?"

"Yes, she chased me home, and I think she's standing outside my house." Marui swept aside the curtain and peeked outside. He was met with the view of a grinning Nami holding up a "Soul mates 4ever" sign.

"Have you contacted the police?" Yagyuu's calming voice asked.

"Would that work? Sweet Yanagi's candied boxers, she's singing now!" Nami was indeed singing – more like shrieking – Taylor Swift songs.

(**AN: **I don't own these lyrics…just the adjustments…)

"We were both young when I first saw you

I close my eyes

And the flashback starts

I'm standing there…

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me **NAMI**

You'll never have to be alone

I love you and that's all I really know

**I LOVE YOU MORE THAN UNICORNS**

** AND JELLY BABIES **

**AND TENNIS**

**AND BABY ELF EARS**

**AND CAKES AND SUGAR**

**AND OTHER STUFF I LIKE AND SH*T~**

**MARUI-KKKKKKUUUUNNNNNN**

**WE CAN GO TO ITALY AND DO IT~**

**WE'LL HAVE A DAUGHTER**

**I'LL NAME HER PUDDING~**

IT'S A LOVE STORY **MARUI-KUN** JUST SAY YES!"

"Please Yagyuu, bring reinforcements!" Marui groaned after Nami's ahem _delightful_ performance. The Gentleman sighed and agreed for he truly felt sorry for the red-head's situation.

"I'll try and see if I can gather anyone else." Yagyuu ended the phone call and sprinted out the door all the while mentally cursing out his double's partner for making him deal with this. Meanwhile, Nami decided that Taylor Swift songs alone wasn't good enough and started to dirty dance around a stop sign.

"MARUI-KUN, COME AND GET IT~" Nami managed to yell as she somehow hung upside-down on the stop sign.

"WHERE THE F*** DID YOU LEARN TO DANCE LIKE THAT? WE'RE F**** ** MIDDLE SCHOOLERS!"

"I LEARNED FOR YOU MARUI-KUN!"

"GO HOME!" Marui tearfully pleaded.

"I WON'T GO UNTIL YOU ACCEPT OUR LOVE! WE CAN RUN AWAY TO GUAM TOGETHER MARUI-KUN!" Marui slid down onto the floor and started to count the seconds until Yagyuu arrived.

* * *

**AN: I think I had too much fun with this chapter o.O**

**celtic27fionn: I just thought that Niou would be an animal person and I just went with it. **

**Guest: Hehehe I actually plan to write that soon so look out for it. Thank you for that compliment, it means a lot to me. It made my whole week and I'm happy that I made you laugh. :D**

**LainellaFay: I'm sure Yagyuu will not disappoint! :P**

**mcangel1976: Your laughter is my pleasure...not in that way...or any other way. I'll just shut up for now. **

**stylewriter565: I sometimes giggle to myself when I'm writing the chapters, and I am updating right now...and now and now. Anyway, you get the point, I'm updating! :)**

**I love hearing your thoughts and comments so please review!**


	8. Chapter 8: Yagyuu to the Rescue

Kirihara was happily eating his mint chocolate chip ice-cream while enjoying his favorite TV show: A Thousand Ways to Die. There was just something about the show that hooked Kirihara season after season. From a woman dying from an overdose on caffeine to a man getting ripped in half between two semi-wheelers, Kirihara gleefully watched all of it with his trusty carton of minty goodness. That's not to say that others weren't disgusted by the show, but he's f****** Kirihara, do you think he gives a damn?

"Akaya go get the door!" His grandmother shrieked from the kitchen where she was preparing her famous apple tart. Kirihara reluctantly peeled himself away from the television and set his carton of half-melted nectar of Gods on the coffee table. Scowling, he opened the front door, ready to yell at the dip-sh*t who dared to ruin his gore-fest.

"What the hell do you want?" Kirihara growled cause you know, he's Kirihara; he doesn't need to be polite.

"Akaya, mind your mouth!" His grandmother said as she came out of the kitchen, wielding her trusty wooden spanking spoon…her TWSS…yeah.

"Kirihara-kun, you should listen to your grandmother."

"Fine then, what do you want?"

"Akaya!" THWAP was the sound Kirihara's head made when his grandmother wacked him over the head with her TWSS.

"Ow, what's your problem you old crone?" Kirihara said as he nursed his newly acquired head wound. Kirihara's grandmother simply ignored her now tearful grandson and turned to address Yagyuu.

"I'm sorry sonny, my little Aya-chan can be a bit rude sometimes. Is there anything I help you with?" Cue the Niou-like smirk that looked so wrong, yet so right on Yagyuu.

"Yes, I was wondering if I could borrow Aya-chan for a few hours." Yagyuu asked politely while mentally adding Aya-chan to his 'Teammates' Embarrassing Nick-Names' list. Yagyuu liked lists it made him feel organized and they are a great way of categorizing useful black mail material…pretend that last part didn't exist.

"Why of course, Aya-chan be back by dinnertime…_or else_." Kirihara's grandmother cheerfully said as she slammed the door shut, effectively cutting off Kirihara's only path of escape.

* * *

"Why do you need me Yagyuu-senpai?" To say Kirihara was pissed would be an understatement. Not only was his torn away from his ice-cream, but it's also a million and half degrees outside. Okay so maybe it was only around 85 degrees, but it sure as hell felt like a million and a half! Oh and he was forced to go on a walk with his senpai. Granted being with Yagyuu-senpai wasn't as bad as being with Niou-senpai. _Wait, doesn't Niou-senpai and Yagyuu-senpai like to switch? So is Yagyuu-senpai really Yagyuu-senpai? What if it's Niou-senpai dressed like Yagyuu-senpai and he's going to kidnap me and sell me on the Black Market? What if_ _I wake up two weeks later in Bangladesh and with only one kidney? Oh god I don't want to have one kidney! Will they take lefty or righty? Probably righty since I think it's a bit bigger. I'll never let you go righty! No must escape before Niou/Yagyuu-senpai try to sell righty. Let's see, I could jump into that trash-can over there, or maybe trap Niou-senpai into that telephone booth before running off into the sunset._

"Kirihara-kun, are you listening to me?" Kirihara jumped as Yagyuu's voice broke his train of thought.

"Yes Ni – Yagyuu-senpai." _Maybe I can_ _Spiderman up the wall and out of Niou-senpai's line of sight?_

"Okay, so as I was saying, you'll be safe if you do exactly everything I just described to you." Kirihara stopped cold in his tracks. _Plan? What plan? Oh god it's happening right now isn't it? Must escape, must escape! I shall save you kidneys! Huh? Why is Niou-senpai pointing to that girl over there? Why is she humping that stop sign? Why are you pushing me towards her Niou-senpai?! She's the kidnapper isn't she?!_

"YOU SHALL NEVER GET YOUR HANDS ON THESE PERFECT KIDNEY SPECIMENS!" Kirihara screamed as he attempted to run away. Thankfully Yagyuu caught Kirihara before he could run straight into incoming traffic.

"Kirihara-kun, what are you talking about?!" Yagyuu was furious, not only did Aya-chan alert the enemy (Nami) of their presence, but he also tried to get turned into roadside stew. The Gentleman yanked his trembling kouhai out of harm's way and climbed the fence into Marui's backyard.

"Let go of me Niou-senpai, I know you're going to sell righty so that you can pay for your drug addiction!" Kirihara said as he tried to loosen Yagyuu's grip on his shirt.

"Kirihara-kun, I am Yagyuu." The Gentleman furrowed his eyebrows in confusion at his kouhai's unwillingness to corporate.

"That's what they all say!" Yagyuu raised an eyebrow at this statement.

"They all say 'I am Yagyuu'?" Man that question was just smothered in sarcasm sauce and served with a side dish of "what-are-you-f*******-saying-man?" alongside a fine, aged cup of "you-cray-cray" juice. But of course, being the gentleman that he was, Yagyuu substituted the side dish "what-are-you-f*******-saying-man?" with a healthy bowl of "do-you-understand-what-is-coming-out-of-your-mout h-hole-good-sir?"

"Kirihara-kun, I really am Yagyuu. Now I need your help, do you remember the girl you saw outside?"

"The one who was trying to breed with the stop sign?" Kirihara innocently asked…yeah right.

"…Yes that one, she's Nami-san, Marui's rabid fan girl. You see she needs professional help, and –"

"Is that how babies are made?" Kirihara interrupted, much to Yagyuu's chagrin.

"No Kirihara-kun that is _not _how babies are made. As I was saying –"

"Are you sure Yagyuu-senpai? Because that's not what Niou-senpai told me."

"I am very sure Kirihara-kun. And despite my better judgment I must ask, what did Niou-kun tell you?" By this point, the Gentleman was a healthy shade of scarlet, and was damning Niou to the Seventh circle of Hell for corrupting their sweet, innocent Akaya.

"He said it usually involved a girl, a rod, and some dancing. Wasn't that Nami girl dancing with a rod?" Sweet little Kirihara asked while cocking his head to one side.

"No that is definitely not how babies are made. It's a very mature topic that I don't think you should discuss until you're much much _much _older." Yagyuu quickly explained as he added giving Kirihara the Birds and the Bees talk onto his 'What Niou is Capable of' List.

"Oh okay well how old should I be?"

"57." Yagyuu said without missing a beat. "Now as I was saying, Marui-kun is in need of our immediate assistance so shall we go in and assist him?" Without waiting for a response, the Gentleman quickly dragged Kirihara into the house before he could ask any more_ interesting_ questions.

* * *

**AN: Poor Yagyuu having to suffer through Aya-chan's questions! I feel like I'm a writing spree, words are literally flowing out of my fingertips...I should probably get that check. Words coming out of my fingers is probably a sign that something really really bad is happening in my body...eh I'll do that later.**

**mcangel1976: Pole dancing was indeed greatness now if I can only get Nami to give it a lap dance...I kid I kid.**

**stylewriter565: I'm always here if you need a laugh. I'll be here forever...now that I think about it that's kind of depressing... :D**

**LainellaFay: I feel like Yagyuu should have a theme song and it should be something like a calming piano melody. :P Nami tend to have an overactive imagination to say the least.**

**Crossroader32: To be or not to be a sadist, that is the question. I pity Marui as well, but that didn't stop me from upping Nami's crazy. I guess we're all a bit sadistic on the inside...or maybe it's just me. **


	9. Chapter 9: Deploy the Decoy

"Yagyuu, Kirihara thank sweet candy heaven you guys made it!" Marui shouted, rushing down the stairs to greet his reinforcements. The frightened teen was wearing a metal colander on his head and had armed himself with a swifter's mop. He had also fashioned some sort of armor from couch cushions, an old teddy bear, and scotch tape.

"Marui-senapi, why do you look like my mom on cleaning day?"

"No time to explain, suit up!" Marui said as he held up a similar outfit complete with a broom and the remaining couch cushions.

"Marui-kun don't you think you are overreacting?" Yagyuu said while he inspected the home-made 'armor' with distaste. Marui simply pulled aside the curtains for the living room window and gestured toward Nami.

"She has stood outside my house for over two hours and has sung three albums worth of Taylor Swift songs. She pole danced on a stop sign, in front of a play-ground no less, and now she's doing magic tricks! Look at that, she just pulled a 'Love Never Fails Marui-kun' sign out of that top hat! I don't even think this is enough protection!" Marui ranted while gesturing at his fashionable ensemble.

"Well are you planning to confront her face to face Marui-kun?" There was a pregnant pause as Marui absorbed the question.

"Hell no," was the definite answer.

"Then I do not see the need for such extreme measures Marui-kun." Yagyuu logically reasoned, disposing his suit neatly onto the ground, which was a nicer way of saying he dropped it like it was a maggot infested raccoon with rabies and a pink bow.

"What do you have in mind Yagyuu-senpai?" Kirihara asked in a slightly disappointed tone, he was looking forward to taping seat cushions onto his back so that his kidneys would have the extra protection from the Gentlman. Although Yagyuu had already told Kirihara multiple times that he was indeed who he claimed to be, Kirihara still did not trust the Gentleman for he felt that it was his duty to protect his kidney. _I don't care if you're Yagyuu-senpai or Niou-senpai, neither of you are going to steal righty! Neither! And if you do, I will scour the ends of the Earth before I give up on my righty! I love you too lefty, don't cry, I love you even if you chose my pancreas over me. I love you both equally! My love is unconditional, gah the hardships of being a body-owner…or the owner of my body…or um. Look, Yagyuu-senpai's mouth is moving and there's sounds coming out of it! Maybe I should pay attention to what he is saying…_

"Not to worry Marui-kun, Kirihara-kun and I have already decided on a plan to at least chase Nami away." Yagyuu reassured the half-crazed red-head in his own gentlemanly way. Outside, Nami's proclamation of love has turned a perverted turn for the worst. She was now suggesting some rather adult themes that the author is not inclined to share. Let's just say that it would've made even Niou blush.

"What's a dominatrix?" Kirihara wondered out loud to nobody in particular as Nami's shrill voice filled the room with strange new words and terms. Marui stared at his innocent kouhai; considering whether or not to answer the questions. Yagyuu instantly shot Marui a stern look that had 'answer and I'll skin you' written all over it. Marui gulped nervously as he felt the Gentleman's piercing glare trying to burn through his front couch cushion chest plate. An awkward silent engulfed the group as Kirihara was left to ponder his question, and Yagyuu was trying to slowly roast Marui with his glare. The quiet was only occasionally disrupted by Nami, who had returned to singing cheesy love songs and spinning around the stop sign.

"Marui-kun, do you own a red wig?" Yagyuu asked softly, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"Why would I own a f****** red wig?" Marui replied testily. A guy can only take so much off-keyed singing before he goes batsh*t crazy.

"Language, Marui-kun," Yagyuu scolded. Marui suppressed the urge to growl because frankly, Yagyuu's glares scared the living daylights out him; instead, he adopted an overly polite and slightly mocking tone.

"I'm sorry fine sir, but I do not happen to own a wig of reddish color."

"Why do you need a red wig Yagyuu-senpai?" Kirihara interrupted while sporting a puzzled expression, completely oblivious to the whispered conversation that his beloved senpais were currently indulging in.

"Do you think we could just, I don't know, use ketchup instead?"

"…"

"What? Ketchup is red, she'll totally go for it Yagyuu!"

"…"

"We don't even have to smear it on him; we'll just tape the whole bottle onto his head. She goes crazy if she even sees one red thing on someone's head, regardless if it's hair or not. She almost _almost_ tackled Niou when he was covered head to toe in pig's blood. The only reason she didn't tackle him was because I was with him!"

"Who are you taping the ketchup bottle to? Who's she? Marui-senpai? Yagyuu-senpai?" Kirihara frantically asked; he was more confused than ever before. _Why was Niou-senpai covered in pig's blood? Is this 'she' a vampire? Is that why she liked red things – because it reminded her of blood?_

"Kirihara-kun kindly switch clothes with your Marui-senpai."

"Why?"

"Just do it Akaya!"

"…would that make me a stripper?" Kirihara asked as he pulled off his tee shirt and gave it to Marui.

"…Marui-kun you answer this one, I have to massage the ketchup bottle." The Gentleman offered weakly before rapidly retreating to the kitchen. Marui grimaced at the thought of explaining what a stripper was to Kirihara. The thought of the conversation alone was enough to give Marui a mild brain aneurism; let alone the punishments that await him should Yukimura find out that he was the one who corrupted Akaya. And then there was Sanada whose family owned a dojo and lots of very sharp swords. Marui shuddered at the thought of Sanada's personal wall of swords. Marui said slowly, "Who told you that?"

"My grandma, she said that I should demand fair payment if I ever was forced to become a stripper! So I demand five cartons of mint chocolate chip ice-cream, the good kind, not the cheap supermarket brand!" Kirihara proclaimed as if he was excited to be a stripper...maybe he just wants all that ice-cream, yeah that's probably it.

"Akaya switching clothes with me does not make you a stripper. And keep your clothes on, no one wants to see your chicken legs." _Hopefully this conversation will never leave this room or I am royally screwed, _Marui thought desperately; being impaled by seventy katanas was definitely not how he wanted to die. _Yagyuu you f******* b****** get back here, what were you thinking, leaving me here with Kirihara?! _As if he was somehow able to read Marui's mind, Yagyuu came back from the kitchen, holding a new bottle of ketchup.

"I have thoroughly massaged this bottle as it is my duty. What did I miss?" A hint of smugness snuck into Yagyuu's tone and his glasses glinted mischievously as he observed the awkward silence that once again plagued the room.

* * *

"Relax Kirihara-kun; you will be safe if you do everything exactly as I have told you." Yagyuu held the youth still as Marui tried the duct tape the ketchup bottle on without touching any of Kirihara's hair. Finding the task impossible, Marui settled on wrapping the top half of Kirihara's head in layers of tape. After all, it's not like hair won't grow back…it's just that Kirihara _might_ look like a bald Chihuahua once the duct tape has been removed, but sacrifices were necessary if they were fighting Nami the Rabid Fan Girl.

"Akaya, you have your cell phone on you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Let's just say you might need it once you get out there…" Marui led on mysteriously as he helped Yagyuu clear his hastily made barricade.

"Out where?" Kirihara asked as he nimbly dodged a flying couch pillow. By now the barricade was half destroyed, and the door was able to open just enough for a person to squeeze through. Yagyuu unlocked the door and opened it while Marui grabbed Kirihara by the upper arm and shoved him through the slim opening.

"Out there!" Marui shouted as he and Yagyuu shut and bolted the door before Nami could noticed.

"OMIGOSH MARUI-KUN, I KNEW YOU COULDN'T STAY AWAY!" Kirihara only saw a yellow blur before he was tackled and pinned to the ground by none other than…Nami! Dun dun dunnn~ !

~The author would like to apologize for the lack of dramatic music, but due to insignificant funds and current limitations of technology, this is the best she can do.~

Will Kirihara escape? Will Marui succeed in his quest to be Nami-free? Will Niou bust out of detention? Is Jackal ever going to grow hair? Is the author going to eat some ice-cream? And is there something going on between Yagyuu and the Ketchup Bottle? All of this and more will be answered on the next chapter of Teaching Marui.

* * *

**AN: Ah Kirihara, it's just so fun to torture you! :D**

**mcangel1976: You-cray-cray juice is high in protein and vitamins A through Z, it contains everything a growing boy like Kirihara needs. **

**LainellaFay: I always thought that Akaya plus babies would equal comedy gold, glad to see that I'm not the only one! :)**

**Crossroader32: Well you weren't wrong, here you win an imaginary turkey. Don't eat it all in one sitting or it'll go to your imaginary thighs...and we don't want that now do we?**

**celtic27fionn: Now I can put a username to a review! Thanks for the compliments, honestly, your review made my whole week. As for the sequel, I'm working on it! And I'm saving that Embarrassing Nicknames list for something else...hehehe but I'm not telling! ;)**

**JuRy28: If it was hilarious, then I've done my job correctly. :P But I'm always glad to hear that people found it funny. I mean it'd be kind of weird if my story made people cry... o.O**

**Please Review and thanks for reading! Teach Marui has almost reached a thousand hits! So I would like to thank all the readers out there from the bottom of my toes...oh maybe I said that wrong...eh well my toes thank you, that's all I know for sure! Thank you! - From the author's toes, all ten of them...I think...**


	10. Chapter 10: Passage of Time

You know the saying, 'time flies when you're having fun'? Well, Niou was certainly not having fun. How did he know? He'd started growing a beard and he was only fifteen minutes into detention. Okay, so maybe it was a fake beard, but the point is, Niou was _not _having fun, not at all.

"Niou, take off that beard, no theatre props allowed in detention!" The biology teacher barked. Niou regrettably peeled off his fake beard, wincing slightly at the pain. _Super gluing it onto my face was probably not my brightest idea_. The now beard-less Niou – with the exception of a few stubborn patches of beard, looked up to find that the teacher had gone back to his newspaper. Sighing, he continued his staring contest with the clock. Tick tock, tick tock, it said mockingly as it taunted the teen.

_You're going to be here for forever! Tick tock, tick tock._

Niou narrowed his eyes, _Oh you are so going down clock…bring it! _

_I'm an inanimate object, tick tock, tick tock. I don't have eyes!_

_You don't have eyes, but you can talk?_

_Yes._

_That makes perfect sense…_

_Don't give me that sarcastic tone, young man or I will prolong your detention. _

_You're not the boss of me!_

"NIOU! What did I tell you about yelling at the clock?!"

"That it makes me seem unstable and ill in the head." Niou repeated obediently. _You win this round clock, but sleep with one eye open._

_I told you, I don't have eyes…tick tock, tick tock._

_Only two hours, 43 minutes, and 47 seconds left to go. _Niou thought bitterly. _I wonder what Yagyuu's doing right now._

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

* * *

"Get her off. Get her off. GET HER OFF!" Kirihara screamed as he ran around in circles with Nami firmly latched onto him.

"We're going to be together forever Marui-senpai!" Nami squealed digging her claws – I mean nails further into Kirhara's back.

"How long has that girl been holding on?" Marui asked safely behind his living room window.

"Approximately 30 minutes." Yagyuu said as he checked his watch and adjusted his glasses. Marui whistled in admiration.

"Should we call his cell phone now?"

"Perhaps after another five minutes."

"Yagyuu, are you taking pictures?" Marui was incredulous; the Gentleman had whipped out his trusty camera and had started to rapidly snap pictures.

"…it's for my blog." Yagyuu said as if that was the answer for everything.

"Screw it; I'm calling Akaya right now." Marui said after watching Kirihara trip over some trash cans before almost wandering into traffic.

_I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world_

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic!_

_You can brush my hair, undress me every…_

"Hello?" Kirihara panted, Nami's grip was starting to cut off his air supply.

"Akaya, why do you have the Barbie song as your ringtone?"

"Niou-senpai must've changed it when he borrowed my cell phone." Black spots were starting to appear in Kirihara's vision and he was beginning to feel light headed.

"Kirihara-kun, why are you not following my orders?" Yagyuu's voice demanded.

"Re…remind me...again….what…did…..you…tell….me?" Marui yanked the phone from Yagyuu's hand and shouted, "Run man, RUN!" into the speaker.

"Oh okay…" Kirihara forced his feet to respond, but he barely moved half a step before he passed out onto the ground.

"Omigosh, Marui-kun! I killed you with my affection! NO!" Nami screamed.

"HE'S NOT DEAD, HE JUST FAINTED YOU MORON!" Marui shouted, again, from his living room window.

"Maybe it is better this way Marui." Yagyuu commented calmly, as if this situation was commonplace in everyday life. Come to think of it, with Niou's track record, Yagyuu probably was used to these things.

"I'm not going to fake my own death just to avoid a girl!" Marui argued, completely oblivious to the fact that their kouhai had just passed out in the MIDDLE OF A STREET. You'd think they would find this fact very interesting…

"Don't worry Marui-kun, I know CPR!" Nami reassured the uh unconscious Kirihara before administrating CPR. Well what she considered CPR, to others it just looked like she was groping Kirihara while making out with him.

"Oh my cake goddess, she's trying to take advantage of Kirihara! Yagyuu, do something!" Marui pleaded as he grabbed Yagyuu by the shoulders and shook him. The Gentleman simply watched in morbid fascination.

Time sure flies when you're having fun…or when you're unconscious.

* * *

**AN: I have no excuses...Anyway, I just wanted to say that the first chapter of What Niou is Capable of is already up so if you want to check that story out, um go check it out...yeah. Unfortunately, I think we are almost nearing the end of Teaching Marui. A few more chapters and the story will hopefully be completed. It's been a wild ride guys.**

**LainellaFay: Akaya is just such a fun character to write, he's so innocent, therefore he asks the most awkward questions. Thank you for that compliment, I really appreciate it. Whenever I'm writing, I'm always afraid that people won't find it funny, or they'll think it's boring and repetitive, hearing you say er type that really makes me happy inside. I love Rikkaidai, I feel like they don't get enough screen time especially Yagyuu and Niou! :D**

**mcangel1976: He was massaging it, didn't I write that? Gosh, what's with all the dirty minds on this site? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to clean the gutter where my mind currently resides. I bid you adieu!**

**Crossroader32: I thought so, we need to watch our imaginary waist-lines. Gotta slim down for bikini season...or um speedo season, whichever one you prefer, I won't judge. You should also never feed him after midnight, there's like an entire manual about owning your own Kirihara Akaya. **

**JuRy28: I think Nami's more like head over heels, over the moon and around the galaxy for Marui, but that's just my take on her ahem displays of affection and love...and lust and mildly inappropriate topics...**


	11. Chapter 11: Three Scoops

**Last time on Teaching Marui: **

"Niou, take off that beard, no theatre props allowed in detention!"

I'm an inanimate object, tick tock, tick tock. I don't have eyes!

Only two hours, 43 minutes, and 47 seconds left to go.

"…it's for my blog."

You can brush my hair, undress me every…

"HE'S NOT DEAD, HE JUST FAINTED YOU MORON!"

"Don't worry Marui-kun, I know CPR!"

"Oh my cake goddess, she's trying to take advantage of Kirihara! Yagyuu, do something!"

* * *

"Yagyuu? Yagyuu? Is she straddling him? Yagyuu snap out of it, use your gentleman powers to get that b**** off of Akaya!" Marui shouted into the Gentleman's ears. However, Yagyuu just stood there, regarding the scene before him. "Should we call the cops now, or what? Maybe called the SWAT team or the FBI, do you think they could get here from America in twenty minutes?! Oh god, we should've never sent Akaya out there. If he dies, it's our fault. Then we'll get sent to prison and I am too pretty for prison. Did you know that there is no candy in prison?! NO CANDY IN PRISON YAYGUU! NO JOLLY RANCHERS, APPLE GUM, OR CAKES! NO CAKES! JUST, JUST KILL ME NOW YAGYUU; I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT MY CAKES, MY PRECIOUS. THEY ARE MY ONLY LOVE IN THIS GOD FORSAKENED WORLD!"

"…Marui-kun, we should probably stop them."

"Thank god, you finally snapped out of it?" Marui asked hopefully.

"No, I've taken enough pictures and I am worried Kirihara-kun will suffocate. Nami-san hasn't come up for air in quite a while." Yagyuu observed, trying to hide his admiration.

With Nami and Kirihara

I'll save you Marui-kun! Nami thought as she continued to administrate her unique version of CPR – by beating on Kirihara's chest and singing songs in her head.

_I love you, you love me,_

**_You love me don't cha Marui-kun?_**

_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?_

_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?_

_Don't cha wish __**I was your girlfriend Marui-kun?**_

A groan interrupted Nami's mental mash-up of pop songs.

"Marui-kun? Are you alive or are you a zombie coming back from the grave? Oooh are you going to do that zombie thriller dance? Are you going to eat my brains? Marui-kun? Marui-kun answer me! Ohmigosh you are after my brains aren't you? I knew this day would come, I should've bought a helmet to protect my fabulous brain hair." Nami gasped at the horrendous thought of Marui feeding on her (nonexistent) brains.

"Seriously, what is wrong with you?!" Marui asked from behind his meat-shield - aka Yagyuu. The two slowly approached Nami like she were a time bomb set for -1000000 seconds give or take a few minutes. Kirihara coughed weakly from underneath Nami, but his suffering fell on deaf ears.

"Oh mi goshie, why is there two Marui-kuns? Do you have a twin Marui-kun?" Nami asked the ketchup-bottle sporting Kirihara.

"No I just decided to reproduce asexually," Marui replied sarcastically. "Could you get off of my child? You're crushing his air supply under your gigantic fat ass."

"Marui-kun I must say that you have mastered the art of Jerk hood," Yagyuu praised. "Niou-kun would be very proud right now."

"ohmigoshie, Marui-kun were you just staring at my ass?" Nami batted her lashes in what was supposed to be a flirtatious manner, but it just looked like she was a slightly deranged teenage girl with eye problems. Like pink eye or dry eye or 'oh my gosh it's a fan girl with daddy issues' eye…I just made that up in case you were wondering.

"Guys, a bit of help?" Kirihara mumbled hoarsely from his spot on the ground.

"Why would you think I was staring at your ass? Are you 'tarded?" Marui asked while ignoring his still trapped kouhai. By now, a crowd was starting to form. Concerned pedestrians and curious neighbors began to gather around the four teenagers.

"Marui-kun what is this "'tarded"?" Yagyuu questioned from his position – a safe five feet away from Nami.

"It's a shortened version of retarded, duh!"

"I see very asshole like of you to say that. Although I think you are overestimating Nami-san's mental capacity."

Kirihara interrupted Marui's and Yagyuu's discussion, "Senpai-tachi, a little help?"

"Hey, we should help that youth!" A random voice in the crowd said. Thank you random bystander! With tremendous effort, the crowd manages to detach Nami from her Kirihara throne. Okay I lied; all it took was a guy wearing a red hat and some nudity, but more on that later…probably never. On second thought, don't expect anything. Anyway the point is Nami was gone, chasing after some poor guy in a red hat all over the city, the crowd had dispersed, and Kirihara was receiving first aid from a seemingly worried Yagyuu.

"Are you okay Akaya? I was so worried about you! You're not going to tell anyone what happened here right? Not to Yukimura or Sanada or Renji or Jackal or anyone who has access to weaponry and emotionally cares for you, right?" Marui asked nervously while Yagyuu checked Kirihara for bruises and cuts. "And you're definitely not going to tell anyone where you got those bruises right? Or why you have the top part of your hair missing. .."

"You sent me in without armor!" Kirihara cried indignantly, "I could've died; I saw my life flashing through my eyes and let me tell you, I've done some horrible stuff. But that's not my point, I am so telling fukubuchou!" Sensing his imminent doom, Marui quickly sprang into action.

"Okay, how about this, I buy you all the ice cream you want for a week and you don't tell anyone what happened today." Kirihara immediately brightened at the thought of free ice cream, and wiped away the tears that were starting to form uh I mean eye sweat. Kirihara Akaya doesn't cry his eyes just sweats occasionally…like during sad movies and when cute animals die. Look, his eyes are sweating right now and it's perfectly normal and HE IS NOT CRYING because men don't cry, okay?!

"Will there be Mint Chocolate Chip?"

"Yes, Akaya I will buy you Mint Chocolate Chip." Marui answered, amazed at his incredible luck.

"The good kind not the cheap kind?" Kirihara growled at the thought of eating those cheap buckets impersonating as ice cream.

"Yes the good kind."

"Could I…could I get two scoops?" Kirihara asked hesitantly, silently hoping for a yes.

"Fine, two scoops," Marui reluctantly agreed._ There goes the money I was saving up for a new tennis racket, but at least I'll still be alive…maybe I can pin some of this on Yagyuu…_ "Hey, Kirihara, didn't Yagyuu come up with the plan? Shouldn't you be blaming him instead?" Yagyuu looked up from Kirihara's arm and gave Marui a "don't you dare" glare, but it was already too late.

"Yeah, he did. Yagyuu-senpai, you have to buy me ice cream too and I want sprinkles!" Kirihara declared. Marui sweat dropped at his kouhai's innocence._ We almost kill the kid and all he need is ice cream to keep his mouth shut? I don't know whether to be concerned or relieved!_

"You really should be blaming your Marui-senpai. He was the one who called me, therefore by the transitive property, you should blame him." Yagyuu said smugly as he finished checking Kirihara for injuries. Kirihara tried to decipher the words that were coming out of his senpai's mouth, finally he said confusedly: "So I should make him buy me more ice cream?"

"Yes, something like that." Yagyuu muttered, easily manipulating his kouhai.

"Alright, Marui-senpai, you have to buy three scoops of ice cream now! And and I want a puppy and a llama like the one Niou-senpai had. And I want a parrot, and I want a GIANT pool with a whale whose best friend is a monkey. Oooh ooh three scoops_ with_ sprinkles and_ with_ extra caramel…" Kirihara excitedly rambled as Yagyuu helped him off of the ground. Marui groaned softly while Kirihara continued to list his demands. "…with extra cereal and a house made of cheese with a giant mouse as a doorman, and a pair of purple pink platypuses because who doesn't like alliterations, oooh and…"

_I'm going to kill you, Yagyuu _was the phrase Marui repeated like a mantra inside his head as they walked the still talking Kirihara home.

"…and World Peace and a chocolate bar. You'd better give me all of this or I'll tell fukubuchou!"

* * *

**AN: So I've been lazy and have been neglecting the story and you guys, for that, I am sorry. So uhm..yeah I'm also suppose to be writing an essay right now, but I'm procrastinating instead. Whoo for being a good student! **

**mcangel1976: I totally agree, that clock and teacher need to go to counseling, get some therapy in, maybe stay at an asylum for awhile. I can't guarentee Kirihara will come out of this with his sanity intact...**

**Crossroader32: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you Nami, run away as fast you can... I'm trying to preserve Yagyuu's personality, but I just can't help if a bit of Niou slips in once in awhile. But I think the difference between the two is that Yagyuu has a more of a dry and sarcastic sense of humor while Niou is just...Niou. As for Kirihara, yeah I kinda have to agree with you on that. And Marui...at least Kirihara hasn't died...yet.**

**LainellaFay: I honestly have no idea how long detention lasts, but I applaud whoever is brave enough to be trapped in a room with Niou...alone...for three hours. Hats off to you, Mr. Nameless Biology Teacher! And thanks for the encouragement! :D**

**eftela: Unbalanced, crazed, deranged, psychotic, high on a drug unknown to man and the universe. Take your pick. :)**

**oreobabez: Why is everyone saying poor Akaya? Isn't it everyone's dream to be knocked out by a crazed fangirl? Anyone? Only me? Okay, I'll just go stand in the corner... Yagyuu is not evil, he's like me, walking the line between evil and slightly less evil. Why do you think I like to write about Kirihara? I'm not evil...am I? }:)**


	12. Chapter 12: Ice Cream Cake

"So let me get this straight, you guys actually allowed Kirihara to be mauled by the lunatic fan girl." Niou snorted into his ice cream, unable to contain himself.

"When you say it like that, it sounds kind of bad." Marui said.

"Sanada-fukubuchou is so going to kill you." Niou gleefully said, digging into his melting ice cream. "Hey, at least you got pictures out of it."

"One does not simply wish death upon one's friend, especially if one is eating the ice cream one's friend bought them!"

"I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm just really feeling this ice cream right now. If I could, I would marry it and then we could have beautiful ice cream babies together."

"Would you then eat your babies?" Marui asked, slightly afraid of the answer he might receive.

"No, I'll wait until they grow up, _then _I'll eat them."

"Niou-kun, please stop trying to fornicate with your ice cream." Yagyuu slid into the booth, balancing four cups of mint-chocolate chip ice cream in one hand, three milkshakes in the other, and a bouncing Kirihara in tow.

"I get all this ice cream." Kirihara breathed, eyes filled with visions of hills made of creamy ice cream.

"Yes and it's all thanks to your Marui-senpai." Yagyuu said. Marui pouted, he'd spent his month's allowance buying ice cream for Kirihara and he barely had enough money left to buy his cakes. _Way to rub salt into an open flesh wound, Yagyuu._

"So how are you planning on getting out of this?" Niou asked as he watched Kirihara scarf down a strawberry milkshake. The Junior Ace was in his own little world; surrounded by dancing ice cream people, sprinkle rain, and caramel floods.

"What do you mean? Kirihara promised not to tell." Marui said.

"Do you honestly believe that this kid wouldn't tell?" Niou jabbed a thumb at Kirihara who was now moving onto his third milkshake. "How are you going to explain that hickey he has on his neck?"

"He has a hickey?! Yagyuu, I thought you check him over!"

"A hickey is not immediately visible. It takes time for it to appear."

Niou slung his arms around Yagyuu's shoulder, and asked with a devious smile on his face: "It seems like you know a lot about hickeys, anything you'd like to share with the class?"

"Guys! Kirihara, hickey, my funeral. Stop flirting with each other and tell me what to do!" Marui said while ripping at his hair.

"Okay I have an idea – " Niou started.

"Makeup, we simply use makeup to cover up Kirihara-kun's hickey." Yagyuu interrupted.

"I was going to suggest some shady plastic surgery done by this guy I met in the dark alley-way, but Hiro-chan your idea is good…I guess." Niou said.

"Great, so who has makeup?" Marui asked; he was met with no's all around. "Anyone know where we could get some?"

"Oooh, ooh, pick me Marui-senpai! I know the answer!" Kirihara bounced excitedly in his seat while frantically waving his hand in front of Marui's face. "My grandma has some. She saves it for when goes clubbing with her friends!"

"Your grandmother…" Marui started.

"Goes clubbing…" Yagyuu continued.

"With her friends…"Niou finished. "Are they at least hot?"

"Niou-kun!" Yagyuu scolded, "That's what you're thinking?"

"I mean it's okay if they're hot in their own senior citizen kind of way. You know like knitting me sweaters and baking me cookies." Niou defended.

"Fatass." Marui muttered.

"I don't wanna hear it from you Mr. I'll-only-have-one-slice! You ate the whole f****** cake!" Niou snapped back.

"You're still hung up about that? You stole that cake from a six-year-old's birthday party!"

"It was an ICE-CREAM cake, how could you pass that up?!"

"From a six year old?"

"Margie has a name, and she's now seven for your information."

"Oh so did you steal her cake again this year?"

"No, I just stole the llama from her petting zoo. You met Kelvin right?"

"That was a llama?!"

"I can't help it if you're illiterate!"

"What does this have to do with me being able to read?"

"You know what I mean!"

"Gentlemen." Yagyuu pushed the two fuming teenagers back into their seats. "Might I suggest that instead of arguing that we attempt to procure some make up for our kouhai's neck?"

"So what are you saying? We raid Kirihara's Grandma's make up stash?" Niou asked.

"I was thinking that we go to that drug store first." Yagyuu pointed a finger at a large convenience store located right across the street. "If all else fails, then yes, we raid Kirihara's Grandmother's make up stash."

"Well at least we got rid of Nami, right?" Marui said, hoping to find a silver lining in this otherwise depressing cloud.

* * *

**AN: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know it's been a few weeks since I updated so I apologize. You thought I was going to say I'm sorry didn't you? I promise that the story will pick up in the next chapter so be patient guys! Anyway, please review and tell me what you think. **

**oreobabez: No, no ice-cream for joo! XD I'll try to incorporate you if you want, but I can't promise you any maulings o.O Also I'm trying to incorporate Niou back into the story, please see the chapter above. I just thought some Marui, Yagyuu, and Kirihara chapters would be pretty fun. And I also wanted to write from Nami's perspective. **

**mcangel1976: I think Kirihara just wants to mooch off of Marui. I thought about titling the chapter World Peace and A Chocolate Bar, but the stupid thing would fit...that's what she said. Yeah, I need to lay off the cray cray juice as well. I'm telling you, the ketchup bottle and Yagyuu are only ****_friends_****, there is absolutely nothing going on between the two...or so they say.**

**LainellaFay: I picture Niou in Frankenstein-esque clothing screaming: "Rise my creation!" as Marui lays on the metal table thing. My mind is ****_that _****weird. If you give me chocolate or cinnamon buns, I will do anything you ask. I might even consider singing, and trust me, you do not want me to sing...at all...don't even let me hum. **

**Crossroader32: I don't think it'll be a Rikkaidai fic without Sanada slapping the sh*t out of someone. :D**

**midnightstealth: My mom gives me those looks all the time! Except she's not on the phone...and I'm not reading fanfic. It's usually when I try to initiate a conversation with her. She gives me this "are you crazy?" look accompanied with raised eyebrows and accusing stare. I'm just joking...my mom doesn't have eyebrows. And that is an indication that I am running on fumes right now. I'm always happy to hear that I brightened someone's day/week/month/year/decade/lifetime/existence! :D**


	13. Chapter 13: Concealer

It certainly was an odd scene at the make-up display…

"What the hell do they use this for?"

"Is that a scalpel?"

"Pink or green, senpai-tachi?"

"Who has green skin?"

"Is this edible?" Marui asked while holding up a tube of lip gloss. "It says it is cotton candy flavored."

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you." A girl said, sliding in front of Marui.

"Great! A female, please guide us through this jungle you call beauty products." Marui pleaded.

"Hey dude, have you smelled this thing?" Niou said as he smelled a…certain female product.

"Niou-kun…nevermind." Yagyuu said, turning back to the display.

"That's a tampon…" The girl said with a slightly disgusted look on her face.

"I know."

"It's not for smelling…"

"I know."

"Do you know what that's for?" The girl continued, now with a concerned look in her eyes. _Is this guy mentally retarded? _

"I wanna smell, Niou-senpai!" Kirihara whined.

"Anyway, uh you guys wanted help?" The girl said, while still eyeing Niou and his uhm tampon.

"Yes, what do you use to cover up a hickey?" Marui asked.

"A hickey? Well I guess you would use concealer. Who has it?"

"Our kouhai." Marui answered while trying to locate Kirihara, "Who is now apparently missing…well f***."

"I shall try to locate Kirihara-kun, Marui-kun." Yagyuu said helpfully before calmly walking off into an aisle. Cause you know, never mind the fact that Niou is loose in a store that is full of breakable and explodable things….

"Why don't I help you find the concealer while your friend looks for your boyfriend?" The girl said, already studying the display.

"He's not boyfriend." Marui explained.

"That's what they all say, but you two make a cute couple." The girl turned and gave Marui a wink.

"Ok, I don't know about Yagyuu, Niou, or Kirihara, but I am 100% straight."

"Then how do you explain 'the hickey' that is on your 'kouhai'?"

"…you're a yaoi fan aren't you? Look, you're not even listening to what I'm saying; you have that glazed look on your face. Oh god, you're picturing me and Kirihara doing it aren't you?!"

* * *

Meanwhile, with Kirihara and Yagyuu…

* * *

"Yagyuu-senpai, what is this?" Kirihara asked innocently as he held up a pack of uhum…eh

"Kirihara-kun, put those back right now!" Yagyuu said with a very prominent blush on his face.

"Why does it say Trojan, but have a girl and a guy on the front? Aren't the Trojan's warriors or something? What is this lubricated?"

"Do you guys need help?" A friendly voice asked.

"No, we do not. Let's go Kirihara-kun." Yagyuu quickly answered as he tugged at his kouhai's shirt.

"But Yagyuu-senpai, what about the Trojans?" Kirhara asked, fighting against Yagyuu's strong grip.

"Ah I see you have found our new product. It's so nice to see young people interested in safety." The elderly store employee said with a huge grin on her face.

"Safety? These things can protect me? Will they make me bullet-proof?" Kirihara asked excitedly. Yagyuu merely face palmed, clearly uncomfortable with his current situation.

"No, but they will make you STD proof!" The employee said kindly, almost in a grandmotherly fashion, except you don't want to have this conversation with your grandmother. Ever.

"STD? Is that like an RPG? Does it shoot cannon-balls? No wait, that's a cannon. Ooooh does it stand for Standard Tyrannous Dinosaur? Does it look like an oversized lizard that I can ride?!" Kirhara asked, almost on the verge of wetting his pants from the thought of having a dinosaur. A giant, carnivorous dinosaur that probably would eat him before it lets him ride it…

"Okay, that's enough. We're not interested ma'am, let's go Kirihara-kun." Yagyuu interrupted, desperately trying to move his kouhai.

"But…but I want to be STD proof!" Kirihara yelled, attracting all of the shoppers' attention.

"Remember when we were like that honey?" Some random shopper whispered to her beloved.

"Yeah, young love." Her beloved answered back.

"Please, get a f******* room!" The friend of the couple said.

"Hey, shut the f*** up, we're trying to have a sappy moment here!" The random shopper retorted.

"You guys aren't even that old. You're what, five maybe six years older than them? When you guys got together, you were going at it like rabbits!" The friend snared back.

"It's true honey, we were like rabbits." Her beloved said.

"Yeah, I guess." The random shopper sighed. "We did love our carrots."

"See? I told you!" The friend basked in their victory, unaware of the fact that the author is deviating from the plot. **Wait, hold on minute, there's an effin plot for this story? **You didn't get the memo? **What da hell joo talking about? **Er uhm…never-mind, get back in your cage and continue writing the story.

* * *

With Niou

* * *

There really isn't much to write about here. He's just wandering around the shop, sniffing his tampon, looking for explosives, and receiving weird looks from the shoppers. So, ya know, typical Niou.

* * *

Marui & The Girl

* * *

"Here, I think this one will match your boyfriend's skin tone."

"He's not my boyfriend!" Marui screamed back. "But thank you for helping me." Marui said politely, because his mother taught him how to be a f******* gentleman, thank you very much.

"You're welcome!" The girl squealed as she hugged Marui tightly…for like 5 minutes…maybe a bit more, but who's counting?

"Oh okay, wow uh you're very touchy…please let go of me now." Marui said uncomfortably as he was bombarded with the scent of fruity perfume and oreos…da hell?

"I'll see you later Marui-kun!" The girl said before she skipped into the rainbow sunset…wait was that there before? **Ha, that's what you get for locking me back in the cage!**Hahahaha, now fix it! **Fine…**

"I'll see you later Marui-kun!" The girl said before she wandered off into some random aisle. He never told her his name…AUTHOR! **WHAT?! **PLOT HOLE! **Does this look like a caring face?! ***Pushes button* ***Falls into plot hole* **See, this is what we get when we try to incorporate readers into the story. **I'm going to stop here. **Don't you dare!

**To be Continued…**

YOU ****** SOUP ******* CLAY ****** SPATULLA ******* PENCILS ************************************************** ****************

_**I'm sorry, we're currently having some difficulties at our Headquarters, please stand by for the next installment where the author hopefully gets back on track...but most likely not.**_

* * *

**AN: Man, my mind is a pretty weird place... I just really wanted to...uh, nope, no excuses for this chapter. It's just strange...and random and pointless...and hopefully funny. Again, I feel bad because I've been neglecting this story, so I'm going to try to do a double post today. I am not good at keeping a schedule..like at all. -_-**

**mcangel1976: Good God, my influence is extending into reality. I have to say, that's pretty awesome. Again with the ketchup bottle. I think that bottle is going to haunt Yagyuu forever. (0.0) Foreva. **

**oreobabez: I missed Niou too, but his detention was necessary. He save an effin pig, isn't that awesome? Granted it was already dead, but..uh erm. You're in this chapter! There were no maulings...but I think your addition broke the story...whoops. Sanda and Yukimura will definitely be in the story, but they'll probably come in towards the end.**

**LainellaFay: I mean Niou totally has the hairstyle down. The electrocuted look is totally in. Niou gets ice cream because uh um *Falls into plot hole again* Kirihara's grandma is a very active elder...who also happens to go clubbing...a lot. **

**Crossroader32: You should also never feed him after midnight, pretty sure I mentioned this a few chapters back. :D And yes, the elderly can have fun too. They might break a few hips twerking, but they can still have fun! Niou...is uh special. He's a very special boy, yes he is. **

**midnightstealth: Why is everyone so amazed by the fact that his grandmother clubs? I think that it's perfectly normal for senior citizens to go to a club and dance. Yup, perfectly normal...okay yeah it's weird. But it's just a such an interesting concept that I couldn't help but write it into the story.**

**GUYS GUESS WHAT? WE HIT 2000 VIEWS! WHOOOOOO! THANK YOU FOR READING AND BEING ABLE TO WITHSTAND MY CRAZINESS! THAT TAKES A LOT OF SKILL AND DEDICATION AND MEDICATION! I'M JUST KIDDING ABOUT THAT LAST THING! (No I wasn't, but don't tell me that...)**


	14. Chapter 14: The Moving Ferns

After some minor difficulties, we finally managed to wrestle the author back into her cage. We gave her a laptop and she managed to crank out a semi-coherent chapter. We hope you enjoy, but most likely you won't.

* * *

Yanagi is perpetually curious. He considers it one of his best features. And although it has gotten him into some very interesting situations, he still values his never-ending thirst for knowledge...which is probably why he's hiding in a bush right now. It's not that he doesn't trust his teammates, but some extra data never hurt. Niou and Yagyuu hanging out with Marui and Kirihara at an ice cream parlor is a rather bizarre situation. But then again Yanagi considers any human interaction as unusual. He pulled out his trusty tape recorder - he had loan his notebook to Yukimura – and began to speak.

"Marui looks to be on the verge of a mental meltdown while Niou is making what can be technically classified as googly eyes at his ice cream. Yagyuu has just come back with a ton of ice cream and Kirihara is scarfing it down at an impressive rate. Why is Akaya getting ice cream? What is the link that brings these four together? Is that a bruise on Akaya? Must investigate further; end recording."

* * *

**10 minutes later**

* * *

"A spat seemed to have broken out as Marui is waving his hands frantically at Yagyuu. Kirihara has finished his ice cream and is currently bouncing around in his seat. Niou is smirking, which is never a good sign. End recording." Yanagi stowed his recorder in a safe place – read, in his pocket – and returned to observing the quartet.

"Gathering data, Renji?" Yanagi turned around and was faced with none other than his arch-nemesis…the yogurt man, I mean Inui.

"How did you deduce that, Sadaharu?"

"Well you're hiding in a bush outside of an ice cream place with your tape recorder. It is obvious that you are currently gathering valuable data on your teammates. Mind if I join you?" Inui asked as he crouched down beside Yanagi.

"I'm not supposed to help out the enemy. Seiichi will be, how should I put it? I suppose pissed off as hell will suffice."

"I'm sure you can make an allowance for a close childhood friend."

"A friend who now works for the enemy," Yanagi pointed out. He turned back to the ice cream parlor only to find the previously occupied booth devoid of his teammates.

"It seems our arguing has caused us to lose sight of our targets."

"Indeed." Yanagi agreed.

"Perhaps we should consider the convenience store across the street." Inui said.

"It would seem like a good lead."

"Do your teammates frequent this store?" Inui asked as he pulled out his trusty notebook and started scribbling. Yanagi only stared in jealousy at Inui's notebook. If only Yukimura could take his own chemistry notes, but no, he was too busy living with a life threatening condition; stupid Yukimura and his ailments.

* * *

"We have entered the convenience store." Yanagi stated. No, really? What tipped you off, genius?

"I have a feeling that the author made you say that line so that it can serve as a transition." Inui observed. Nice going there, Sherlock.

"A fair conclusion." Yanagi said. The duo wandered the surprisingly spacious store in search of their targets.

"I propose that we divide and conquer so that the author can have an easier time trying to incorporate humor into this story."

"Fair reason; very well then, we shall as they say, 'split-up'." Yanagi replied.

* * *

And so our valiant heroes parted ways, each with a target in mind.

* * *

The fine young lad sporting a pair of horn rimmed glasses picked his way through a sea of lotions and facial masks, only to stumble upon a very devious Niou.

"Data…" was all Inui whispered as he started to frantically document Niou's behavior…from behind a fern that he brought from home. Inui also uses a dead branch when he is spying during the fall or winter months. Sometimes he even pretends he is an innocent beach goer that happened to wander into Hyotei's ranking matches. Needless to say, Inui was a master of disguise.

Niou felt his stalker senses tingling and dropped the lotion he was looking at before sprinting into the wilderness that is the toy section.

"Wait, must collect data!" Inui shouted, as he carried his fern and chased after the sliver-headed teen. "At least tell me what the lotion was for! Are you suffering from dry elbows? Is that because you've been practicing your backswing? Do you sometimes cover yourself in lotion and go dumpster diving?!"

"Stop stalking me, I don't have the monkey!" Niou yelled back as he skidded around a corner.

"Would you care to elaborate on this monkey business? Are you secretly a monkey?" Inui questioned while he somehow managed to write, run, and balance his precious fern.

"NO! Why the hell would I want to be a monkey?"

"They are very nimble and highly intelligent creatures."

"At scratching their ass, have you ever been to the monkey exhibit? They fling poop at each other. Wait, aren't you that Yanagi-clone from Seigaku? Shouldn't you be with your boyfriend, Snakey?" Niou asked, coming to an ungraceful stop at the snack section. Inui pushed up his glasses with his fern…don't ask me how, and said, "Indeed." DUH DUH DUUUNN! Plot twist! Except it wasn't really a plot twist since you already knew Inui was Inui. UNLESS….actually, don't hold your breath, there is no unless.

* * *

Meanwhile our witty, slit-eyed, and good natured chap happened upon a rather peculiar scene…

Yagyuu, The Gentleman, Hiroshi was currently being escorted out of the store. Yagyuu, THE Goody two shoes, was being ESCORTED OUT - as in not in - of the store. I know, it's a shocker to me as well and I wrote this sh*t.

Yanagi pulled out _his _fern and proceeded to sneakily follow Yagyuu…as a moving house plant, which is totally and absolutely normal.

"Kirihara-kun, do you now understand why it is very important that you do not shout out 'I want a STD!' in the middle of a store?" Yagyuu asked.

"But…but my dinosaur…" Kirihara whimpered as he followed Yagyuu out of the store.

"What is the 'connection' between STD and dinosaur? I must investigate further in order to sate my curiosity." Yanagi recorded before moving his plant closer to the pair.

"I knew I should've let Niou-kun or Marui-kun handle this…speaking of which, where are those two? It would be unwise to leave them alone in public." Yagyuu murmured.

"Where have you guys been? Look, I got the make-up; let's just get out of here." Marui said as he came out the store carrying a small plastic bag.

"We can't, Niou-kun has yet to return."

"Yo.." Niou said while casually appearing out of nowhere with a walking fern that then went to stand by the other fern and started to exchange data…HINT HINT.

"Hey, those ferns look suspicious..." Marui pointed out with his genius observation skills.

"Now that you mention it, Marui-kun, one of them is sporting a bowl-haircut, not unlike Yangai-kun's." Yagyuu added.

"Hm? Oh they came to spy on us..." Niou contributed before heading back to the ice cream parlor. "I'm going to go back to my ice-cream. Marui, you're paying."

"Wait, what?!" Marui exclaimed, chasing after Niou.

"If Marui-senpai is paying….would that make the ice cream a prostitute?" Kirihara pondered out loud, completely ignoring the moving PLANTS that are currently discussing QUITE loudly what they've gathered.

"Apparently Niou buys lotion because he was formerly a monkey with very dry elbows."

"That would explain his occasional impish behavior."

"Indeed. He told me that he enjoyed seeing his monkey brethren flinging feces at people."

"That would explain his fascination with fart jokes…."

***whispers whispers***

"NO Kirihara-kun, where are you learning these things?" Yagyuu shouted over the whisperings.

"The internet…"

"Actually, that answers a lot…" Yagyuu sighed.

"Whatever, I want more ice cream! MARUI-SENPAI, YOU'RE PAYING!" Kirihara yelled. Marui replied with some rather inappropriate language that the author feels uncomfortable disclosing.

As for Yanagi and Inui…perhaps it's best if we just left them there. They seem to be enjoying the idea that Niou was a monkey.

* * *

**AN: Okay, I really need a schedule. It's just so easy to be lazy in the summer. Again, sorry for making you guys wait a week. I shall try to improve my writing speed. That double post will come...eventually.**

**mcangel1976: I feel like the story is becoming dirtier as it goes on...I don't know how I feel about that. I couldn't help myself with the trojan jokes..whoops. I get excited to see what I'm going to do next as well. My mind somehow always surprises me with its weirdness. **

**CrimsonRed40: Why would you want to be alone when you're laughing your head off? Surely you'd want someone with you so that they can put it back on again. I'm not a doctor, but I think our heads are pretty important. Maybe get like a friend to duct tape it back on? I heard superglue is quite effective. I shall continue, and there is nothing you can do to stop me! Mwahahahaha...ha.**

**Crossroader32: When is it not awkward? Yagyuu is the older brother of the group, he has to clean up everyone else's messes. I love torturing Marui, it's one of my only joys in life...wow I have a sad life. **

**LainellaFay: Since it's Niou, one would assume that he probably knows the general idea of tampons...but you never know. Akaya and a dinosaur, that's a recipe for disaster or unintentional world domination. **

**celtic27fionn: WHOOO! I'm amusing people. I'm honestly surprised you guys have put up with me for such a long time. Maybe it's my stunning personality that is bringing you guys back? **


End file.
